A Soft Answer

Over the last several months, I have been mediating on one Bible verse, Proverbs 15:1 "A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger." I shared this verse with my high school Youth Church students last Sunday. 

I started out by asking them about how they would react in different conflict scenarios. I could not believe their answers. Most of them talked about how they would gather information about the situation and try to reason with the person who they were having issues with. I told them that I was impressed and that I felt they were more mature then I am. My instinct when someone raises their voice to me is to raise mine back, not to return with a soft answer. I know it is not the Biblical response but it is the human response.

A couple of interesting conclusions came from the discussion with the students. Firstly, by giving a soft answer you knock the person off balance. They were not expecting it. They are expecting the human response of you lashing back. It kind of takes the wind out of their sails. 

Secondly, by answering softly or holding our tongue altogether the other person comes off in a negative way. One of the students told a story about Napoleon and one of his officials. He said that Napoleon and the official were arguing and instead of the official responding he stood there and allowed Napoleon to continue with his rant. We talked about how this makes the angry person look and how it makes the other person look. If people are observing the exchange, then the angry person looks like a fool who has no control. While the other person, comes off as being innocent and under control. Which is a better witness for God?

Thirdly, we need to work on giving control to God. We should not give into our human nature. God can help us remain calm so tension does not build and a resolution to the situation can be found.

I Want to be an Under-Rower

We live in a proud world. We are proud of our jobs, proud of our kids, proud of our success. We do it all on our own. No one else should get the credit except us. But that is not who I want to be. I know I cannot exist without the help of Jesus. I cannot even drive into the "city" or go grocery shopping without wanted to give into human nature and put someone in their place. That is not who I want to be.

I want to follow the example Christ set, I want to be a servant. As Paul said in 1 Corinthians 4:1, "Let a man so consider us, as servant of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God." The world Paul uses here for servant is huperetas. It is the same word was also used in "classical Greek culture to describe the punishment that criminals had to endure. Criminals were considered outcasts of society and were frequently sentenced to row in the belly of a ship, and they were often required to live below deck. They were the engines that pushed the ships ahead; huperetas were called under-rowers (Conflict Management for Church Leaders; Goodall, Wayde; p57)." 

I like the picture that this paints. Being an under-rower could not have been an easy job: being away from home and family, crammed below deck with others like you, struggling to move the ship along at the desired speed. It was not those in control who were moving the ship along, but those who were there to serve. 

I want to be an under-rower taking my direction from Christ. I want to be one of the servants who help to move the ship along. I want to show His power and strength as He works through me. I want to have a servant attitude where I am able to remain humble, leaving pride behind, and continually giving credit for everything in my life to Christ alone. I want to live so in the end I will hear "Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful in the few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of the Lord (Matthew 25:21)."

Confrontation Means Exhort

According to Merriam-Webster confrontation

means: "a situation in which people, groups, etc., fight, oppose, or challenge each other in an angry way." When I read this definition, it made me think of two people putting on boxing gloves and duking it out until only the stronger or more skilled person remained. Or a child inside the principal's office being reprimanded, cowering in their seat, waiting to be dismissed.

But what if the word was redefined? What if instead of fighting, opposing or challenging, we define it as urge, encourage or exhort? What kind of picture would you see then? 

"The word exhort comes from a combination of two words in the original language: the word to call and the word alongside. It conveys the idea of calling one alongside for the purpose of helping him or her pursue right (Conflict Management for Church Leaders; Goodall, Wayne, 2010)." With this definition you aren't attacking but coming alongside to correct, encourage and redirect.

As a teacher, I am constantly having to confront poor behavior and bad decisions in the classroom. In one particular instance I had an upper classman in a freshman class. The young lady thought it would be OK to be rude and disrespectful in front of the younger students. It was creating a disruption and encouraging disrespectful behavior from the others. But after reading this lesson, I thought about changing the methods I use. I don't have to assert my authority as the teacher. Instead I pulled the older student aside and explained the observations I had made about the students' attitudes. We discussed what was causing it and how she could help to correct it by setting the example. So by coming alongside I encouraged her to be a positive leader which changed the attitude of the others. If I had used a more aggressive method (boxing) I would have embarrassed and angered her, increased her bad behavior which would have increased the bad behavior of the class. 

In the future instead of confronting by tearing down, we should confront by building up. It may take longer but the results will be a lot greater.

Conflict Happens

Over the last five years, I have been taking Bible classes. During this time I have come to realize that what we are studying is what will be brought into my life. The latest class is "Conflict Management for Church Leaders." So what arises but conflict... at home, at work and at church. This gave me the opportunity to put the lessons of this class into action.

One question through out this study kept coming to mind... if we are one body, as the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 12:12, why does conflict happen? I have concluded that conflict happens because of our backgrounds, our personalities, our history, and our environmental factors. 

All out backgrounds are different. No one else has had the same experiences at the same time in the same place. You may have had similar ones but not identical. The experiences we go through help to shape who we are and what we believe.

Our personalities are all different. Are you a logical thinker? Do you crave conflict or avoid it? Are you negative or positive? Do you know yourself and what  makes you a better person? Are you a people person (social butterfly) or the opposite (social cockroach)? What makes you tick? Our personalities will encourage or discourage the types of experiences we are willing to expose ourselves to which in turn helps to make us who we are.

Our group(s) history affects our present and future. We are leary of situation that arise because of what has happened to us before. Are we willing to open ourselves up again? Are we able to do things differently? Are we able to remember the past but not all it to limit our future? Do we get stuck in "we've done that before and it didn't work"? Can we get beyond it?

Environmental factors are things that we cannot necessarily control... job lose, economic depression, lay offs, natural disasters. They are all things that at some point will affect us all, but do we allow them to control our lives? 

In answer to my question, conflict happens because we are all different. I guess the important thing is not why it happens but how we react to it.